Communication: Trust and Crocker’s Rules

So there’s a thing called Crocker’s Rules which is rather popular in my network. At any time, one can declare to be operating by these rules, a declaration that constitutes a commitment to being fully open to feedback that isn’t couched in social niceties etc. The idea is it’s supposed to be a much more efficient/optimal way to communicate things. To me, Crocker’s Rules seem like a high ROI hack for getting certain things that I like about deep trust.

What is and isn’t Crocker’s Rules?

From the canonical article:

Declaring yourself to be operating by “Crocker’s Rules” means that other people are allowed to optimize their messages for information, not for being nice to you. Crocker’s Rules means that you have accepted full responsibility for the operation of your own mind – if you’re offended, it’s your fault. Anyone is allowed to call you a moron and claim to be doing you a favor.

First we need to ask ourselves what we mean by being “offended”. One of my all-time favorite articles is titled Why I’m Not Offended By Rape Jokes, and its opening paragraph reads:

I am not offended by rape jokes. Offended is how my grandmother feels if I accidentally swear during a conversation with her; the word describes a reaction to something you think is impolite or inappropriate. It is a profoundly inadequate descriptor for the sudden pinching in my chest and the swelling of fear and sadness that I feel when someone makes a rape joke in my presence.

So sure, I think declaring Crocker’s Rules includes relinquishing the right to claim someone said something impolite or inappropriate. It also means giving someone the benefit of the doubt around them being inconsiderate. However, there are lots of potentially cruel things they could say, and I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect those not to hurt.

People sometimes talk about Radical Honesty, a policy which is easy to confuse for Crocker’s Rules (though they’re kind of the opposite) and which can sometimes just come off as Not-that-radical Being-a-dick. There is a lot to be said for direct and open communication, but somebody who just says “you’re a moron” isn’t usually being helpful. Tact can be valuable: saying everything that’s on your mind might not actually help you or the other person achieve your goals. The brain secretes thoughts! Some of them happen to be totally useless or even harmful! And, just like you don’t want to identify with unduly-negative self-judgements, not all thoughts about someone else are worth granting speech.

On a related note, I know someone whose contact page used to say something to the effect of “I operate by Crocker’s Rules, but I’m also an ape, so I’m likely to be more receptive to criticism if it is friendly.”

The most efficient communication paradigm

I want to touch on the question of efficiency. Are Crocker’s Rules optimally efficient as a communication paradigm? On an information level, theoretically yes, as it tautologically eschews adding extra information. On a meta-information level it is very efficient as well, as the act of declaring Crocker’s Rules is a very succinct way to communicate to someone else that you want to be efficient in this way.

However, there’s more to communication than information, especially when it comes to interpersonal dynamics. I talked about this in my post on feedback a few months ago. Sometimes the feedback you most need isn’t efficient. Sometimes it’s vague and hard to express clearly in just a few words, and would become garbled in the process. Sometimes the feedback is a feeling. It’s saying “when I experience you doing X, it makes me feel Y.” And this requires vulnerability on the part of the person giving the feedback, which can’t be caused by any amount of you self-declaring Crocker’s Rules. For that, you need trust.

In the short-term, trust-based communication can be incredibly slow. I thought of using an adverb like “excruciatingly” there, but I actually find it very pleasurable. It’s just frustrating if you’re in a rush. In the long-term, however, building trust allows for even more efficient/optimal interactions than Crocker’s Rules, because you have a higher-bandwidth channel.

Acute Crocker’s Rules

I believe that the primary useful function of Crocker’s Rules is in acute usage, such as soliciting honest general feedback or soliciting any kind of feedback really. Mentioning Crocker’s Rules in such a context is very effective shorthand for indicating that you want all of the grittiest, most brutal feedback the person is willing to offer, not just surface stuff or “grinfucking“. The article doesn’t have a quotable definition for that term, but it’s essentially giving someone bland positive feedback when your honest feedback would be strongly negative. You’re grinning at them but in the long-run the lack of honest feedback is fucking them over.

To me, Crocker’s Rules seem like a high ROI hack for getting certain things that I like about deep trust. I think its ultimate form would in fact be a kind of trust: a trust that the other person fundamentally has your best interest in mind. However, we often can’t reasonably have that trust yet in many contexts in which we’d like honest feedback. Hence approximations like Crocker’s Rules.

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About Malcolm

Constantly consciously expanding the boundaries of thoughtspace and actionspace. Creator of Complice, a system for achieving your important goals.

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5 Comments

Malcolm » 26 Nov 2013 » Reply

As an experiment, since I had leftover FancyHands virtual assistant credits for this month, I tried getting my virtual assistant to give me feedback on a draft for this post. Ironically, given the content, it was almost entirely positive and bland. I mean, thanks assistant, I think I wrote a great post too, but I’m not paying you to tell me that. I’m paying you to help me make it better.

The VA wrote:
“In this writing it is obvious that you were able to effectively explain yourself and what you’re thoughts are regarding the subject. This kind of writing is what I’d describe as an excellent mixture of persuasive writing, descriptive writing, and expressive writing. You go about explaining the reasons behind your thinking very well.

“Overall this is a fantastic opinionated, creative writing piece/post. The only thing(s) that I would suggest would be to better emphasize your point and or general argument, and to look over your post again and make some very slight adjustments to the grammar (specifically in punctuation, as you are lacking some commas where needed and have a couple of run-on sentences).”

Satvik » 28 Nov 2013 » Reply

Feedback:

“To me, Crocker’s Rules seem like a high ROI hack for getting certain things that I like about deep trust.” I found this to be the most interesting point of the post, and think should be in the first or second paragraph. More generally, your post is broken up into a few paragraphs of “this is what Crocker’s rules are” followed by “this is why they’re helpful.” The early parts of the post would be stronger (IMO) if you mix some of the “what” and “why” instead of separating them-having the why generates interest and keeps the reader hooked.

    Malcolm » 28 Nov 2013 » Reply

    Thanks, Satvik! It seemed to me that that exact sentence would fit very comfortably at the very end of the first paragraph, so I copy-pasted it there! I got a friend to edit this post before it went out, and she also highlighted that as a cool sentence, so it seems like it’s worth saying twice 😛

    There are probably more improvements that could be made, but I don’t have time to do them at the moment. Thanks for the feedback though: I think it will be valuable to keep it in mind on future posts.

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